The Fear Of Being A Creative
My life will become significantly easier if I just accept that I’m a creative. I’m not meant to work in an office, 9-5 five days a week. It’s not for me. I need structure and deadlines sure, but not that kind of repetition and lack of creative structure. I am my happiest when I’m being creative. Whether I’m painting, taking photos, writing, or anything that requires me to become introspective. To leave reality for a few minutes and just let myself be free.
I am in deep denial of this part of me. Because we are constantly told that creatives can’t make a living. It’s not a stable way to live. And I crave stability. I need it or I fall apart. So the idea of diving head first into something that doesn’t guarantee success is terrifying. Anyone with a creative bone in their body has had doubts. And even though they struggle, they love it. So I guess my biggest fear is that the thrill of it won’t be enough. It won’t be enough to calm my stress. It won’t be enough to make the struggle worth it. It won’t be enough for me to feel like it’s what I was meant to do. But what are we meant to do? Are we all meant to do one thing?
If I give my all to my creative side, is it going to feel like something I can do forever? I’ve watched my parents switch careers and change paths, so I know that what I do now may very well change in twenty years. But some small part of me would love to give myself to something wholeheartedly and continue doing it forever. But how do you do that? I’m not sure you can. And I really should just accept that. It’s not easy, I haven’t done it yet, but I want to try. The blogs are a great way for me to channel into this need to write, but it’s part time. It's why I’ve decided to expand my website to include poems and short stories, because that’s where the creativity comes from. My blogs are self reflections and updates. They are reflections of me. Now I just need to balance these two needs. The need to share what I know other people need to hear, and the need to share my imagination.
This blog is nothing more than my way of saying to all my fellow creatives “I see you”. I see your struggle. I see your passion. I see you. The balance will come, but the struggle to find that balance, or to overcome the fear, is a far better struggle than a life without a creative outlet.